First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
