i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
