I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
