Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
