Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
