My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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