Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
