Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
