You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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