I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
