I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
