im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
