he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It was confusing and full of hummus
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
