i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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