I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
