During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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