so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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