im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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