My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
