hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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