Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
