is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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