New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize