I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
