i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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