I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
