so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Found your dick twin last night
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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