I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
