Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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