I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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