I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
