dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The air was thick with penises
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
