Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
