I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
