im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
