I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
