Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
