Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
