i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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