I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
