Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
