ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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