Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
