and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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