I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
