you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
