do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
