What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I have aggressive nipples.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
