just come out here and I will go home with you...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
