Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
